Never Understood
by AllytheVamp
Summary: Xander thinks about him and Cordy.


**Never Understood **

Disclaimer: Joss owns em. They aren't mine. 

Dedicated: To anyone who just didn't get it. 

Author's Notes: I wrote this when I wasn't feeling very well. I recently lost my dad and I am really missing him right now, so that is probably where this came from. 

People never get it. They go through life fooling themselves into thinking that they way things are, are the way they are supposed to be. I did that immediately when I met Cordelia. 

My best friend was Willow. She and I were playing and then Cordelia came over and insulted us both. I got mad and put sand down her back. She cried. Then we were enemies. Then we grew up. 

She always seemed to be the same, cruel, stupid, and just plain shallow. I never looked inside. I never saw what was really there was a scared little girl. I just assumed that this was the way it was supposed to be. I didn't care about her, because she didn't care about me. We were horrible to eachother. Everyday this went on. Then we went to highschool. 

I met Buffy. So did Cordelia. We both found our lives swept away in a never-ending evil fighting crusade. I loved Buffy. I loved her the moment I laid eyes on her. She never thought of me as anything but a friend. This hurt. It cut deep. That's when I realized what Willow felt for me. I had hurt her too. One night, as I lay in bed listening to my drunken parents duke it out, I started to sob. I wanted to say I was sorry to Willow. I had hurt her so many times and not even noticed. I wanted to tell her I was sorry that I didn't love her. Not like that... 

But I'm a coward. So I never did. We just went back to being the same as we always were. Best friends. I'd make her laugh, she'd help me study, we'd have a we-hate-Cordelia-club meeting, kill some demons and go to bed happy. 

One day the fighting with Cordelia became important. I found myself drawn to her. I had to talk to her whenever she showed up. Each day I'd look forward to our little barb sessions. She'd lash out with something rude, I'd get mad and then we'd spar. I grew to crave them. She started a fire in me that sizzled whenever she walked near. I had to talk to her. Everyday. She became an addiction. 

Of course on the outside, it just looked like I hated her. 

Then we kissed. 

In Buffy's basement, trapped, with a bugman trying to eat us, the sparring became screaming. Then I looked into her eyes for the first time. I saw blind hatred, but I could see the hunger in them overshadowing the hate. It was the same hunger I had in the pit of my stomach at that moment. We couldn't talk anymore because the hunger had taken over. We reached out and suddenly it was silent as our lips furiously attack eachother. The kiss was liquid hot. It was like the fire I felt when I wanted to talk to her had exploded. I was so consumed by the moment I never stopped to think of who it was. She held me like she wanted this too. 

Then we came crashing down and we jerked apart. Now I saw fear. We tried to stop, but we kept on having to kiss. Kissing Cordelia was like a beautiful drug. The only side effect being I wanted more. I couldn't have it. Willow would flip and Cordelia's little sheep who seemed to be so important to her would drop her in an instant. I started to not care. I wanted to be with Cordelia. I wanted to date her, instead of just hiding with her in closets. I wanted to learn what she liked. I knew her my whole life and I knew nothing about her. 

Only the things she didn't hide. 

When we finally came out in the open, Cordy's friends dropped her. So she dropped me. I had never been so angry. The love spell was stupid. It ended up almost getting us killed, hurting Wills and it didn't even effect Cordelia. When it wore off, she went back to her friends. 

Then Harmony dissed me. It hurt. Dammit it hurt. Because parts of it were true. So Cordelia decided to be brave for me. She gave up her sheep, her popularity and everything she used to have so that we could date. I was never more proud of her. 

We were rocky, yes. We fought and yelled and kissed. Then things happened and we were there for eachother. We started to care. She started to tell me things and I could see who she was now. She wasn't what I had assumed at all. I was wrong about her. I never understood how scared she was. When she gave up her popularity, she gave up her security. Her friends had admired her. Without them, she felt as if she were nothing. Once she came to my house and broke down crying on my bed. She told me that she had never been so scared in her life. She didn't tell me anymore, but I thought I knew what she was saying. Her life was different now. Everything she had ever depended on was gone. I took her in my arms and told her I'd make everything better for her. I wanted to show her that I appreciated what she gave me. 

Some job I did. 

I kissed Willow. I never could understand what possessed me to do it. We called it a clothes fluke. But we kept on fluking. 

Then Spike kidnapped us and Oz and Cordy came to our rescue. They came in as Willow and I had begun fluking yet again. When Cordy found us kissing I saw her world crumble and I couldn't say anything but her name in my defense. I felt like I was drowning in grief. Then she got impaled. 

I went down to be with her until the ambulance arrived. I wanted to tell her so many things, as she lay there in pain. Just a moment before I had seen so many emotions in her eyes... 

Now I saw nothing. 

Her eyes were glassy and she looked blinded when she choked out my name. She couldn't see me when I started to cry. I held her hand until they came for her. I didn't look at Willow again. 

I wandered around trying to fill the emptiness inside me. I had just robbed myself of something amazing. I was so cold. I worried about Cordy all night. I knew that she wouldn't forgive me. I knew that she'd tell me to stay away. I knew I'd have to be her enemy again. I hated myself for it. It felt like there was a huge piece of me ripped away. Like I had a cold empty void where my heart used to be. 

She didn't forgive me. 

I went on like everything was fine. 

Just because I still cared, I craved those little sessions of less-than-polite bantering we constantly got into. I still had fun with her, even when she hurt me. 

Then I found out she was broke. 

I tried not caring, but it didn't work. I knew what it meant to her. Her whole life she had had everything and now her life had been taken away from her. She had to give up everything all over again, without any choice. 

I bought her prom dress. I wanted her to have it. She looked amazing. She looked happy. That's all I wanted. 

Cordelia left town after graduation. I still miss her. I keep thinking about what I could have done to make everything better. But I never got it. I never understood how much I loved her. I didn't understand love, or what it meant. Not until Cordelia. 

I have to see her. 

I walk into the office and I see her sitting at the desk reading a letter. She looks up and smiles, not looking the least bit surprised. There are tears in her eyes and I feel like my heart is melting. 

"I've missed your smile." I say quietly. 

"I got your letter." she replies. 

Without another word she comes forward and wraps her arms around me in a hug. I understand that I have to let her go. She has a new life. I have a new life. We need to move on. But I'll miss her so damn much! 

"I love you," I say simply. "And don't forget that ok?" 

She pulls back and nods. The tears run down her face and she understands that I have to go. 

I leave. 

I've lost her but at least we don't have to be enemies. That's what I can take comfort in. I walk to my car and stare across the city. I see her smile in the back of my mind. 

I never understood. No one ever does, until it's too late. 

FIN 


End file.
